This is a letter from my niece whose young son recently committed suicide.
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This is a mother’s worst nightmare. I am on an emotional roller coaster. Prior to knowing Christ as my Lord and savior, I struggled with fear. This unknown fear would keep me awake night after night, leaving me exhausted much of the time. After becoming a Christ follower in October 1997, this lingering fear vanished. But now, it is back. This fearsome evil has gained ground.
My son’s death was an act of evil. I am disappointed in myself for not being able to prevent it, even though I am not sure what I could have done in my circumstances. I hear these voices inside, like a roaring lion screaming at me, “If only you had been more sensitive towards him; if only you had tried harder to understand him; if only you had been a better mother; if only you had helped him….” And worst of all, the accusing voice growls, “how can you call yourself a follower of Christ when your son died like that, and you didn’t do enough to save him?”
I know enough from the word of God to scream back at the voices. “God knows the end from the beginning. He knew me before the foundation of the earth. He loves me and called me to be His own. Nothing I do can separate me from His love.” Yes, I know the answers, nevertheless, the battle is ongoing in my mind and I am exhausted. There are days that I pray to God to take me home.
Even though I know this evil cannot touch me, it is not easy to feel its presence and not be effected by it. I am bombarded with these questions. In anger I ask –where was God when my son was suffering? God is all powerful; He could have saved him. Why didn’t He? Is God even there? Maybe we are on our own after all! Maybe we are better off relying on our own logic than to believe a super natural almighty God that allowed His son to suffer and die for us? Why would someone else pay for what I have done wrong? That doesn’t even seem fair….!
Wrapped up in my cocoon, my only hope was my family. To uplift my spirit, my husband decided to take me on a road trip to Lake Tahoe. The beauty and serenity of the lake always brought peace. It held a special place in my heart. After a day of rest and reflection in the mountains, suddenly I was hit with a question— now what? “Now, that you are alone and scared in the valley of the shadow of death—now what?” “Will you choose to deny everything you believe and go on; or will you choose to believe despite your suffering, loneliness and pain?” The truth always finds its way to bring us to the light.
A choice was set before me. Did God’s love have the power to save me from this pit? With tears running down my face, I realized I could not go on without His love. After all, what else is there beside His love? Yes, I have so many unanswered questions. I am not in a good place; I feel God has let me down. I don’t feel Him; I don’t hear Him, but I choose to love Him. I choose to obey Him; I choose to humble myself before Him.
And that’s when it hit me: THIS IS THE WHOLE PURPOSE OF LIFE! That’s why we are here on this earth, to choose God over evil, to say yes to Him and love Him with all our being. We were made in His image to love the way He loves no matter what the circumstances; no matter how difficult it gets. There is nothing that can separate me from the love of God and that is why my life still has meaning; that is why I can smile again, love again, forgive myself again, and love others. Loving Him heals me! And that is the power of His love!
Roya
**********************
This is a mother’s worst nightmare. I am on an emotional roller coaster. Prior to knowing Christ as my Lord and savior, I struggled with fear. This unknown fear would keep me awake night after night, leaving me exhausted much of the time. After becoming a Christ follower in October 1997, this lingering fear vanished. But now, it is back. This fearsome evil has gained ground.
My son’s death was an act of evil. I am disappointed in myself for not being able to prevent it, even though I am not sure what I could have done in my circumstances. I hear these voices inside, like a roaring lion screaming at me, “If only you had been more sensitive towards him; if only you had tried harder to understand him; if only you had been a better mother; if only you had helped him….” And worst of all, the accusing voice growls, “how can you call yourself a follower of Christ when your son died like that, and you didn’t do enough to save him?”
I know enough from the word of God to scream back at the voices. “God knows the end from the beginning. He knew me before the foundation of the earth. He loves me and called me to be His own. Nothing I do can separate me from His love.” Yes, I know the answers, nevertheless, the battle is ongoing in my mind and I am exhausted. There are days that I pray to God to take me home.
Even though I know this evil cannot touch me, it is not easy to feel its presence and not be effected by it. I am bombarded with these questions. In anger I ask –where was God when my son was suffering? God is all powerful; He could have saved him. Why didn’t He? Is God even there? Maybe we are on our own after all! Maybe we are better off relying on our own logic than to believe a super natural almighty God that allowed His son to suffer and die for us? Why would someone else pay for what I have done wrong? That doesn’t even seem fair….!
Wrapped up in my cocoon, my only hope was my family. To uplift my spirit, my husband decided to take me on a road trip to Lake Tahoe. The beauty and serenity of the lake always brought peace. It held a special place in my heart. After a day of rest and reflection in the mountains, suddenly I was hit with a question— now what? “Now, that you are alone and scared in the valley of the shadow of death—now what?” “Will you choose to deny everything you believe and go on; or will you choose to believe despite your suffering, loneliness and pain?” The truth always finds its way to bring us to the light.
A choice was set before me. Did God’s love have the power to save me from this pit? With tears running down my face, I realized I could not go on without His love. After all, what else is there beside His love? Yes, I have so many unanswered questions. I am not in a good place; I feel God has let me down. I don’t feel Him; I don’t hear Him, but I choose to love Him. I choose to obey Him; I choose to humble myself before Him.
And that’s when it hit me: THIS IS THE WHOLE PURPOSE OF LIFE! That’s why we are here on this earth, to choose God over evil, to say yes to Him and love Him with all our being. We were made in His image to love the way He loves no matter what the circumstances; no matter how difficult it gets. There is nothing that can separate me from the love of God and that is why my life still has meaning; that is why I can smile again, love again, forgive myself again, and love others. Loving Him heals me! And that is the power of His love!
Roya
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